I struggled. I say that in past tense because I refuse to carry it another moment. I refuse to struggle any longer. What am I struggling with? Staying focused on what God has given ME to do without trying to be someone else in the process.
When I first began working on Church Girl Confessions, I was ALL in. I was focused on making sure I did everything God told me to do, because I wanted to make sure he was pleased with the outcome. Once The Monologues event was over, there was so much I wanted to do. I wanted to get merch, I started a podcast, I was blogging, planning other events, etc....All of which spread me thin mentally and emotionally because I was doing way too much, way too soon. I was in a rut. I was still excited about CGC's first event and began to focus on trying to build this "brand". But because I wasn't getting to where I thought I needed to be at that time, my focus shifted and insecurity set in.
Whew, Chile! Instead of keeping my eyes on my own prize, I was looking at everyone else's journey. Women I admire, women I look up to, women who are soooooooo dope at what they do....yeah I was looking at them like, "if I could just be like that". I was frustrated. I lost focus. I had gotten to a place of wanting to be like other people, when God just wants me to be like ME! It wasn't that I wanted to be popular or that I wanted to "look" like someone else, but I wanted to be successful in what God placed in my hands just like these women. I had to step back for a moment and be real with myself...I wasn't seeing success because I wasn't focused on Briana's assignment.
Many times, we see other people's wins and not losses. We don't know the trouble they had to go through to get where they are....and reality is, we may not even be equipped to handle what God gave them to deal with. We can't be focused on what's ahead of us, without focusing on what's right in front of us (thanks Kay Kay) . There is no problem with being motivated by the beautiful people you see around you. But BE-YOU-tiful in the process.
I decided to be a big girl, and focus on the path ahead of me. I reminded myself that God is able to do exceeding abundantly above all I can ask or think. That means my imagination is TINY compared to what God has done, is doing, and will do in the future. So, it's okay to not want to be anybody else and be my own goals! Since I have focused on my own race (shout out to Sarah Jakes Roberts), I've been so much happier. It's caused me to live in the moment...to be be happy with being 1 of 1. Honey, THERE IS NOBODY LIKE BRIANA ROBINSON and I'm glad about it. This life is my trip to take and now I look forward to everything that comes with it. I find myself chasing after God more than before. Now, instead of getting caught up about where I am not, I thank God for where I am, and look forward to where I am going. So, here's to me, being ME. Authentically and
wholeheartedly. Whatever God has for me is for me. This world didn't give me this joy, and it can't take it away.